Posh Kid in a Bucket Hat
Festival of choice: Boomtown
Probably goes to: Bristol/ Newcastle
Most likely festival activity: K-holing
Rack a line and pop a bottle, because Hugo, Hector and Harriet are here to show YOU a GOOD TIME. They love festivals because they’re just ‘so chill’.
Leggy Crochet-laden Female
Festival of choice: Bestival/ SGP
Probably goes to: Leeds/ Nottingham
Most likely festival activity: Figuring out how to upload disposable camera film onto Instagram
Dress-code includes: sequins, glitter (everywhere), flowers in hair, braids and a plethora of crop tops. I’m not going to lie even I own a pair of those tinted John Lennon glasses….
High AF Hippie
Festival of choice: Green Man Festival/ Shambala
Probably goes to: Brighton
Most likely festival activity: Hula-hooping
Harems, hula-hoops and happy happy happy times. Acid really is the future you know… Apart from the tab I took yesterday…because that was in the past.
This one time, at Berghain…
Festival of choice: Doesn’t like UK festivals but Bloc was pretty fucking cool… Butlins is the new Berghain
Probably goes to: London/ 3 weeks in Berlin over summer
Most likely festival activity: Smoking
These guys just won’t tech-no for an answer. Interests include: not-smiling, wearing black and talking about music they know a lot more about than you. Ear piercings are a must, and nose piercings only look cool on guys now.
‘Fucking On One’
Festival of choice: Parklife/ Creamfields
Probably goes to: Manchester/ Liverpool
Most likely festival activity: Fighting, over-use of the term ‘fucking choon’
Tops off, guns out, snapbacks on point. These lads love house and are only here for the pre-Ibiza warm up. At-home activities will include going to the gym and promoting club nights. Who the fuck is this ‘B2B’ guy anyway?
Nude Older Person
Festival of choice: Glastonbury
Probably goes to: Prison
Most likely festival activity: Unnervingly smiling
Normally come in married pairs and are pretty friendly, you want to be open minded, festivals are for letting loose after all, but as soon as one of them opens their legs your open mind runs a mile.
Rude Underage Sixteen Year Old
Festival of choice: Reading/ Leeds
Probably goes to: The Rec
Most likely festival activity: Throwing-up Strongbow
Basically just you, four years ago, probably in a pair of tattered vans, and with the upper body strength of a flake of snow. It’s ok though, everyone knows the younger you start going to festivals the bigger your penis grows. Just saying.