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Posh Kid in a Bucket Hat

Festival of choice: Boomtown

Probably goes to: Bristol/ Newcastle

Most likely festival activity: K-holing

Rack a line and pop a bottle, because Hugo, Hector and Harriet are here to show YOU a GOOD TIME. They love festivals because they’re just ‘so chill’.

bucket hat

Leggy Crochet-laden Female

Festival of choice: Bestival/ SGP

Probably goes to: Leeds/ Nottingham

Most likely festival activity: Figuring out how to upload disposable camera film onto Instagram

Dress-code includes: sequins, glitter (everywhere), flowers in hair, braids and a plethora of crop tops. I’m not going to lie even I own a pair of those tinted John Lennon glasses….

crochet girl

High AF Hippie

Festival of choice: Green Man Festival/ Shambala

Probably goes to: Brighton

Most likely festival activity: Hula-hooping

Harems, hula-hoops and happy happy happy times. Acid really is the future you know… Apart from the tab I took yesterday…because that was in the past.

This one time, at Berghain…

Festival of choice: Doesn’t like UK festivals but Bloc was pretty fucking cool… Butlins is the new Berghain

Probably goes to: London/ 3 weeks in Berlin over summer

Most likely festival activity: Smoking

These guys just won’t tech-no for an answer. Interests include: not-smiling, wearing black and talking about music they know a lot more about than you. Ear piercings are a must, and nose piercings only look cool on guys now.

‘Fucking On One’

Festival of choice: Parklife/ Creamfields

Probably goes to: Manchester/ Liverpool

Most likely festival activity: Fighting, over-use of the term ‘fucking choon’

Tops off, guns out, snapbacks on point. These lads love house and are only here for the pre-Ibiza warm up. At-home activities will include going to the gym and promoting club nights. Who the fuck is this ‘B2B’ guy anyway?

Nude Older Person

Festival of choice: Glastonbury

Probably goes to: Prison

Most likely festival activity: Unnervingly smiling

Normally come in married pairs and are pretty friendly, you want to be open minded, festivals are for letting loose after all, but as soon as one of them opens their legs your open mind runs a mile.

naked old man

Rude Underage Sixteen Year Old

Festival of choice: Reading/ Leeds

Probably goes to: The Rec

Most likely festival activity: Throwing-up Strongbow

Basically just you, four years ago, probably in a pair of tattered vans, and with the upper body strength of a flake of snow. It’s ok though, everyone knows the younger you start going to festivals the bigger your penis grows. Just saying.

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